I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
