I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
