i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
