My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We are all done wearing pants today
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
