You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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