he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
