It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
