I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
