there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina