i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
