Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
