your room smells of hookers.
And success
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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