I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
