So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
