I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
