Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
