She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize