ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
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I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
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We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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