he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist