I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.