forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
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I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.