Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
