I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
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cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
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Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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