Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You took a bar mat shot.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
