i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
