I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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