Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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