A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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