so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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