Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
4 words: hood of his car
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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