5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
