I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
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