I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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