I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
