They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
