if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
