fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
