The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
