I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
