Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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