a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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