So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
