There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
you inspire me to be a worse person
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
