The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
