I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
