My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
True strength comes from lack of pants
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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