I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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