As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
