im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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