Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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