Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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