college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
