Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
