is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
